It is no surprise that I am often referred to as a lobster in the summer months of the year.  I don’t really even know why lobster is the crustacean of choice, but I guess it beats being called a crab—which is ironic because when I am sunburnt I am every ounce of crabby.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when a stranger feels the need point out to me, as if I don’t already know, how red my skin is.  A guy on the beach said “Wow do you know you are really red?”  No shit, Captain Obvious and you have a receding hairline. 

Here are my other least favorite comments:

“OOooOo!!  That looks like it hurts”—yeah, I’ll live.

“Did you put on any sunscreen?”—obviously not. I always hope that this will be the one time I don’t burn and get an actual tan.

“You look like a lobster”—I’d rather look like a lobster than a big fat hairy ape like you sir.  Shave your back!

I mean seriously, do I go up to people and tell them they need to wax the sweaters off their backs or their bikini lines?  NO!  I DON’T! Because I don’t like to make people feel more embarrassed than they already are—or in their case, should be.  Don’t ask me stupid questions about how burnt I am because YES I KNOW I HAVE FAIR SKIN.

admissionsproblems:

How could you not be 50 Shades of Red while reading this book?  I felt like I had to read this book in a dark cave with a tiny night light on so no one would find me reading it.  Every turn of a page I’d be a different shade of red because oh-no EL James did not just type that!!!!

Of course I was curious about the book, it was all over E! News.  Reporters were saying they thought Ryan Gosling would be perfect for the role of Christian Grey.  I’ll do anything for Ryan Gosling and that includes reading.

I finished the 1st book quickly.  It’s pretty easy to do when literally every page is a sex scene.  Gets pretty boring after the first few sessions… come on, can I get a chase scene?  Give me a twist or SOMETHING.  I think the book could’ve been a lot better if Jodi wrote it.  Right, Sarah? 

Lucky for me, the next 2 books of the trilogy were only available as ebooks, so at least I could hide the fact that I was reading a book about a girl who keeps saying “and then he  was cupping my sex” .. yourrrr what?  And kinky fuckery?  I’ve never even heard that term before.  I can’t even take this seriously.

I thought reading the next 2 books on my iPad would help my 50 Shades of red because no one would be able to know the book I was reading.  A male co-worker, who is much higher on the totem pole than me, saw me reading at lunch one day.  He asked me what book I was reading.  I thought “he’s a guy, if I say the title he won’t know about the book.”  He asked, I told.  Then he asked what it’s about.  damnit.  I’d call this shade Fire Engine Red.  

In the end, I’m glad I read the books, but honestly should’ve just waited for the movie.  Although, do I want to be at a movie theater filled with hundreds of horny 20-50 year old women..? well, now I take that back.  My best friend’s grandmother just borrowed her copy of 50 Shades of Grey, so.. apparently its a book for all ages.  

I’ve been meaning to update for a while and after talking to a friend this week about texting, I remembered something that I find so hilarious, yet I know I do it too.  Women over analyze texts, status updates, IM’s and emails.  To us, the way we text/write a sentence has a very clear meaning to us.. but a man would never understand what we really mean.  I’ve come up with a few examples:

Usually if I put a period at the end of a one word sentence, I am usually pissed off.  For instance, there is a HUGE different between: Ok and Ok.

The Ok without punctuation means that I am agreeing with whatever you’ve said.  The Ok. (with a period) means you have really pissed me off and I expect you to know that I am mad at you.  Additionally, I will become even more angry if you continue the conversation not realizing how mad I am.  In my own personal case, if I spell ok in all lower case letters with a period, that means I am steaming mad: “ok.” Isn’t it funny that by having all lower case letters, you are somehow supposed to figure out that I am super mad at you?


Sending a blank text to you is just a way to get my name to show up on your phone.  I will ALWAYS use the excuse “oh, I meant to text someone else.  sorry”  There was no one else.  That text was meant for you and you only.

One word answers are never a good thing.  Example: nothing, bye, yes, no, ok., hey.  If any of these words are prefaced with “Uhh.. or Umm..” chances are we are annoyed or mad.  If we are going out of our way to write stupid words like uh or um.. then we are trying to get a point across.  If we are in a good mood giving one word answers, we would say:  Not much, what about you?, yeah!, Nope, okay, hi there.  

Quotes on our facebook status ALWAYS mean something.  Even when we say it means nothing.. it does and most likely it is about you.

When you ask us who we are hanging out with and we respond with “a friend” it usually means its another guy and we don’t want you to know who it is but we DO want you to know that it is another guy.  If we’re hanging out with a girlfriend, we would write: my friend, *insert name*. 

If you engage in a texting conversation keeping a pretty good pace of 2-3 minutes between each text and then suddenly don’t text back for an hour.. that can really do some damage.

Women can never use enough smilies.. but if a guy uses them too often we typically lose interest because you probably aren’t into girls anyway.  We also over analyze if we should put a smiley at the end of a sentence and sometimes don’t realize that it probably doesn’t matter to you anyway.  To smiley or not to smiley?.. that is the question.  It gets pretty stressful.

!!!! = a good thing

Duplicate punctuation.  There is a different between: alright and alright… Same goes for ok and ok…  I would say that if there is more than 1 period at the end, it doesn’t necessarily mean that we are mad like it says above, but probably means that we acknowledge what you’re saying, but we are disappointed or upset by it.  For instance if you text me and say that you really can’t make it to my grandmothers 80th birthday, I will probably respond with “alright…” Please know that this means I’m upset and you should change your mind.

We use facebook status’s because we know you will read them and take them literally.  It’s funny how the facebook status turned into the biggest mind game ever.

I never knew how powerful the two tiny letters ‘Cc’ were until those two tiny letters violated me.

Typically, the main use of the Carbon copy (Cc) feature on Microsoft Outlook is to send a copy of the email to whomever needs the information.  

Now, tell me when did the use of Cc turn into a way of getting someone in trouble with their superior? 

Have you ever had an instance where someone sends you an email that is really important to them, but rates at a 3 on your scale of 1-10?  It’s not really your top priority to RSVP to the Hawaiian themed office party right away.  Your entire staff is required to go to the event, but you’re still kind of bitter because they didn’t like your suggested theme, Jersey Shore.  Weeks will go by and by then you’ve forgotten about the precious email that was sent and you focus on more important things like who is winning Employee Biggest Loser contest or how many times can you prank call your co-workers.

The party coordinator emails you again:

From: Kathy Swanson
To:  Kiley
Sent: Tuesday, February 1, 2011 7:35 AM
Subject: Aloha



 ”Aloha!!!!!!!!!(there’s always tons of !’s) Just wanted to remind you to RSVP to the party.  Hang ten!”

Ugh.  Her again.  There were too many exclamation points in that email so now out of pure spite you just don’t respond to the email.  Another week goes by and you have legitimate work to do like budget revisions, sales and marketing meetings and a huge conference call that is likely to take up most of your Thursday.  Another email pops up:

From: Kathy Swanson

To: Kiley
Sent: Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:50 AM
Subject: Re: Aloha


Hey girlfriend!  Are you coming to the Luau?  Let me know soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeez, this better be one crazy party with all the email work that is going into it.  And by the way?  I’m not your ‘girlfriend’.  Next email:

From: Kathy Swanson

To: Kiley
Cc:  Dr. Richard Johnson
Sent: Tuesday, February 15, 2011 8:15 AM
Subject: Re: Aloha


Dear Kiley,


It has come to my attention that you have not submitted your RSVP for the 15th Annual Office Party.  Please reply to all immediately so that the appropriate preparations can take place. 




Sincerely,


Kathy M. Swanson 


WHAT THE HELL?  You Cc’d my boss on this stupid Jersey Shore-less office party?  I was totally taken advantage of by Carbon copy!  Even though I’m fuming at this point, it was very well played and I’m probably more pissed off because I didn’t think of using Cc in that nature first. 

Now I have to respond.. but I’m not going to let her get the satisfaction of my RSVP.  I respond:
 
From: Kiley

To:  Kathy Swanson
Cc:  Dr. Richard Johnson
Bcc:  Kathy Swanson’s Mom
Sent: Tuesday, February 15, 2011 9:37 AM
Subject: Re: Aloha




Dear Kathy,


Please forgive me for not responding quickly.  I will be at the party.  I hope that the party doesn’t turn out like last Saturday night when I passed by Cadillac Ranch and much to my surprise saw you riding the mechanical bull with your top off.  Will you be wearing the same ensemble at the Luau too?  I hope not because it’s not a very good representation of our company and definitely not something your mother would approve of.  See you at the party.




Hang ten, Girlfriend.


Kiley  

I totally Cc’d and Bcc’d her.  She didn’t even see that one coming.




I should also add that this is just an embellished story.  This is in no way related to my current job, nor are any of the names used (besides mine) real people.  This blog is just for your entertainment.

1.  I’ve asked this before and I’ll ask again:  Have you ever been to Target and seen denim jeans in the “active wear” area of the apparell section?  Then why are you wearing jeans to the gym?

2.  A large lady in my spin class wears a short khaki skirt every week.  I’m always at a bike behind her because I fear whatever my instructor sees. 

3.  I have seen a body builder type woman wearing her black heels while lifting weights with all the meat head guys.  I know this sounds like a lie, but its not.

4.  I can only assume a woman in my aerobics class is from a religious background that requires her to keep all of her body covered up.  She wears long black jeans and a long black top that looks like a choir robe.  She’s awful too.. so she draws a lot of attention to herself. 

5.  Anyone who is texting or on a phone call during their work out is stupid to me.  Unless it’s blue tooth, then I can get on board with that—and don’t even tell me it’s a work call!  No one at work wants to hear your heavy breathing and grunts.

6.  I LOVE observing the body blast class sometimes.. especially when it’s filled with middle-aged men and today’s agenda includes ‘air hip thrusts’.  I am fairly sure it’s supposed to help your butt muscles, but jesus it looks like a one person sexcapade.  It’s ridiculous to see how awkward they all are. 

7.  Last week there was a woman with a gas station size bag of cheetoes walking around the track.  Somehow, I don’t see how this is going to work lady.

8.  I really really hate the ab workout class.  Yeah, it’s a good work out… but honestly it is hard to control your bodily functions when you’re ab crunching the whole time.  I’ve fell a victim to this too once or twice, but I swear it’s like everyone in the class eats a giant tray of bean burritos from Taco Bell and then comes to class.  It really f-ing stinks. 

9.  Oh, the stupid 12 year old that runs the track barefoot.  It grosses me out to think about it.  I know my foot isn’t going to get the germs from his nasty tracks because I’m the sanitary one with my shoes on.. heaven forbid.  He is a dark skinned boy and I have no excuse except to nickname him Mowgli.  I asked him once where I could look for the bare necessities, but he didn’t seem to get it. 

10.  The man who runs the track with his arms directly at his sides.  I know this is hard to visualize but I encourage you to try it.  It’s really hard.