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A necessary truth

I’ve been on a documentary binge the last weekend and one has really left me bothered. I wish I understood my fascination with death, suicide, funeral homes, euthanasia, serial killers… and just mortality in general. My fascination with these topics makes me feel ashamed.. but I guess now that I think about it.. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. I did several research papers in high school and college, specifically about euthanasia. I’m not a depressed person, I don’t want to die.. nor have I ever been suicidal. I’m a happy person for the most part.. how can a happy person be so obsessed with learning about such morbid things?

The documentary A Necessary Truth is about young film students in LA who’ve decided to make a documentary for their thesis and final project. This documentary is actually a documentary about the students making a documentary about someone who has decided to end their life. Their purpose is to make a film that no one has ever seen before.. to go where no other film maker has gone. Typically documentaries about mental illness or someone who is suicidal have a happy ending—they end up choosing to live and get help. These students wanted their film’s ending to be just that… the end of someone’s life. They planned to interview this person all the way up to the very last day.. including the actual action of death. It was important to them to choose someone who they actually felt would go through with it. After watching the film.. I can tell you with full honesty that this film did EXACTLY what it wanted to do.

I think the decision making process of the film is what bothers me the most. The students put out a craigslist ad searching for someone who has decided to end their life with a specific date in mind. To see the student’s reaction to how many ad replies they received was just disgusting, but … also so intriguing. Like a bad car accident.. you know you shouldn’t WANT to look.. but you do anyway? And how they decided which person they should use was just bizarre.. “We probably shouldn’t pick the older woman, she’ll likely resolve her issues and not kill herself”… “Let’s not pick the two sisters, they’re just doing this for the fame..” .. and “we should choose him.. because he has a brain tumor and will die anyway.. at least we know there will be an end.” SICK SICK SICK! But.. I kept watching.

You see how the film makers struggle with the subject matter as well as the how the “victim” struggles with his reasons for wanting to die.

They’ve created a film that I’ve never ever seen before.. and ending so shocking that .. seriously.. I just can’t even describe how I feel about it because there are so many emotions. And I know you’re thinking.. “did they actually show it.. “the end” ?” … and the answer is yes.

I don’t know why I wrote this.. but I haven’t written in a while and this is the only thing on my mind today.. sorry to be such a downer!



well, as you can probably imagine, I didn’t take a before picture yet, but I am feeling very motivated.  I weighed myself.. so that’s enough motivation.  



I need to start blogging again..

I don’t know what I want from this blog.  I never keep up on it, but I wish I did.  It’s obviously a good use of my time.

I am so happy right now with my life.  I have a great job(s), a great family, and an incredibly helpful boyfriend.  I cannot tell you how great it is to have a partner as great as him.  I was raised to be independent and to be able to do things for myself, which I can.. but it’s so nice to have someone who enjoys helping others when they need it.  

Today I am considering starting a new “get fit” goal.  I don’t know how I want to do it.. but I need a goal.  I need to go back to the gym, but first I need the motivation.  I’m wondering if I would be motivated by taking a “before” picture.  I think I’ll try that tonight.  Seems like a perfectly good day.. it being Halloween and all.  It will be a scary picture.  

My team is doing really well.  I added a male cheerleader, Will about a month ago and I’m so proud of what he’s achieved in the last month.  I don’t have any seniors this year, so my juniors on the team are my rock.  I don’t know if my team knows how much they mean to me.  I think about them all the time like they’re my actual kids.  It’s weird how this year’s team is “different” that way.. I don’t know why.  I genuinely want the best for every single one of them.  My freshmen are my “rocks in training” as I would say.  They remind me so much of the juniors when they were freshmen.  I don’ t have too many sophomores.. only 5.  Kagan is so positive.. I wish I could be more like her.  Jay, Will and Josh are the most helpful people I know.  Paige & Alexus are bbf’s and as one starts the team, the other is leaving for surgery.  I’m glad Alexus moved to campus to live with Paige.  I think it’ll be good for both of them.

i hope the next post is my before picture.. and hopefully soon after there will be an after pic.  We’ll see.  toodleloo.



How did I call 911 again?

Written on May 14, 2009

Seriously how many times am I going to call them this year? I should’ve texted them.

I went out to my car this morning to go to work. I hit my automatic unlock button, to unlock the driver’s side. I look in the car, to see that I had been robbed. My middle console was opened, my glove compartment, and then things random stuff was all over the car. They took a cell phone, $35, and a new CD/DVD I had been waiting for MONTHS to buy. It was the Dane Cook CD. It didnt end up being that good anyway, so I’m not too concerned about that. But it was NEW. Anyway, called 911 to get an officer to come out to look at it.

To back track a little, 2 weeks ago I went to a bachelorette party. We were told to bring a goofypair of underwear for the bride to play a game with. It’s the old.. bring a pair of underwear and she will guess who brought which pair. I’m a silly person, so silly me went to buy little kids underwear with cartoon pictures all over it. They were literally made for a 4 year old but I wanted to bring a silly pair for the bride. The pack I bought came with 3 pairs, so I took out one pair to take to the party, and quickly stuffed the other 2 pairs in my glove compartment—this would come back later to haunt me, little did i know.

So, you can imagine what the robber saw in my glove compartment when he opened it.imageYES. 2 PAIRS OF LITTLE KID UNDERWEAR WERE JUST HANGING OUT. Worst part is, mom tells me not to touch or move anything until the police got there to file a report. I said mom, I really think I should take the underwear out, but she insisted. So, I feel like an idiot when the officer gets to the house to look at the car, and sees my bright pink children’s underwear stuffed into a glove compartment. This could have easily turned into him thinking I was some sort of child molester or something which would’ve been a whole other bag of issues. I bought a new pair of shoes that had been in my car all week, but I took them in last night.. thank GOD! Although, I’m sure the robber wouldn’t have taken those since they are the size of a toddler’s shoes.. which then would’ve supported the whole tiny underwear situation going on in the front seat.

Japanese Mosquito Virus

Written on Sept 22, 2008

I went to the doctor last week to get my 3rd series of the gardisal shot. I hate shots in the first place, but I’m turning out to not be such a baby after all. Anyway, a new nurse is working on me this time and it seems any time I go in there, someone new does my vitals. The nurse gave me the shot and gave me a brochure about the vaccination. I asked her if I would ever have to come back to get another vaccination, like in 10 years or something. This shot was to prevent 4 types of cervical cancer so I definitely wanted to be up on my shots! 

The doctor said that I wouldn’t need to come back, unless I left the country or something. I left the office and went to grab lunch. I look over in my passengers seat where I put the brochure and the top if it read: "What you need to know about Japanese Mosquito Vaccine"

So now I’m freaked out because I have no clue what kind of shot I got that day. Will I die of cervical cancer or mosquito bites… I DON’T KNOW? I called the office and another nurse answered. She assured me that I got the correct vaccine. I hope shes right. :/

most embarrassing night at work.

My worst college fair, ever.

Not so much “worst” .. but quite embarrassing.  I was sick, as well.. so this was just icing on the cake.  I got to the school, carrying my display board bag and brief case on wheels. I walked by Liberty College’s table and my travel bag got caught on this college’s table cloth.. ripping her whole display down. d’oh!  Second. I made a mental note when I got there.. “wow, everyone keeps looking at me tonight, it must be the dress” because people at work kept complimenting my dress! I knew I was getting looked at more than I feel I normally do.. but I really just thought it was the dress. Anyway, the college fair started, and I needed to use the restroom. I could feel someone walking really closely to me.. and followed me into the restroom. This high school girl said to me "hi, this is going to be weird.. but your dress has been unzipped all night." I was mortified! Because whatever garments I had on under the dress.. WERE SHOWING.  She helped me fix it. The zipper had broke in the middle, and apparently I did not feel the draft. After she helped me, I did not want to go back out to my table. As she was leaving she turned back and said “but, it is a really cute dress!” WELL THANKS BUT I DIDNT WANT ANYONE TO SEE WHAT I HAD ON UNDERNEATH. Man. what a night!

My worst date

Luckily, I haven’t had too many bad dates.. but throughout the years, the bad ones definitely out-do the good ones.


I don’t really remember my favorite date. I’ve had a lot of good dates, but they’re all the same—dinner and a movie. Surprisingly, that is what my worst date resulted in too. I once went on a date with this guy. The week before the date, we started suggesting ideas for dinner. All of my ideas were traditional sit down restuarants while his were places I had never heard of. That’s fine with me.. I’ll try new places. This is a first date, by the way. He picks me up and we go to this place he suggested that had the best BBQ in town. It is on Martin Luther King Avenue.. and if you live in Indianapolis, you know that you’d better steer clear of this area. We pull up to the side of the street.. and i see.. the pictures that you see above.

You can imagine how I felt at this point… of course after I had suggested PF Changs, The Ram, Champps, etc. I get out of the car and we walk into this place. He softly says “I hope they are still seating.” Was that a joke? Here are some things I see when I go inside this place: 2 soda pop (cans) vending machines without water as an option, concession stand signs for the menu, no tables or chairs for “seating” and a bullet proof window with a tiny hole to order through. I’m hating this date about 12 minutes in. He had dressed in a button down collered shirt that was very wrinkled, cargo pants with about 47 pockets and really nice dress shoes. If you knew we were going there, why did you even bother with the shoes? As my friend Mary said.. “you probably could’ve been served barefoot and shirtless.”

Since of course there is no seating, we go to this local park to sit at a picnic table. I later find out that this park is also a place I don’t want to be on a Friday night. While dining at the park, he calls me a snob because I would eventually like to “settle down” in a town like Carmel. I’m considered a “sorority girl” because I occasionally go to Howl At the Moon (a dueling piano bar downtown.) and a man hater, because I originally liked Hillary Clinton’s views in the 2008 presidential campaign. The kicker is.. he actually thought this was going well.

After dinner, he suggested we watch a movie back at his house. He doesn’t live in the best part of town, but was attending grad school so I sort of understood that college kids are broke. You could tell by the way people on the street kept their yards, that this was not an ideal situation for me at the time. The street has ZERO street lights, so I knew once it got dark.. I would need to be careful when I left. He shows me his movie collection and I suggested a few comedies that I deemed appropriate for a first date—Anchorman, Old School. He suggested Zach and Miri Make a Porno and that is what we watched.

Movie is quite graphic in some areas. Good movie.. but SERIOUSLY? His dog kept trying to get on my lap and here is a direct quote from him to the dog:

"Get down! You’re ruining my game. How am I supposed to make a move with you sitting in between us?"

You’re kidding me! You honestly think I’m going to let you come near me with all of those pockets and your bbq stained fingers?! Finally, the movie is coming to an end and I am so happy. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. well.. I wish I would’ve seem some light. if any. We go to front porch and I assumed he would stand there and watch me walk to my car, since the street is black. I say bye and walk away while he goes in the house and turns off his porch light before I’ve even left the last step. YOU’RE KIDDING.

Annnd that was the worst date ever. If you are reading this, and you’re the person who did this to me… please stop it?

Jump off a cliff for all I care.

Written: July 15, 2010

I think I could write this entire blog with stupid comments that men make to me.  Now, believe me I am not a she-woman man hater, as they say in the movie Little Rascals.. but sometimes they say stupid things.  I guess the saying goes.. Can’t live with them, can’t with without them.

We all have that person in our phone book who when we hear our text message alert go off, you always hope “I hope this is a text from ________”.  It never is.. and you continue to throw yourself a little pity party because the only thing that will make you happy in life is if you get that text you’ve been waiting months to get.  How sad is that?  How many of you have that one day when you just wake up and say “I don’t care, I’m just going to text them!” ?  They you’ll spend the entire day thinking about what you should text to them.  Well apparently that happened to me yesterday, but I was on the receiving end.  I’ll admit.. I have those people in my phone that I wish would text me sometimes, but believe me.. this was NOT the person I wanted to hear from.  He could jump off a cliff for all I care.  I would rather get a text that he in fact did jump off a cliff and he’s at the bottom of the mountain splattered over sharp rocks.  Too much? 

Anyway, I got sidetracked there for a second.  I’m sure we’ve all had those days where you think of all these things you could say to the person you want to text.  You have to be strategic.  You have to be clever.  All you want is for your name to show up on their phone and to try and get a little text convo going!  I would say the most classic line that 99% people come up with is to text this:  “hey, I had a dream about you last night.”  AM I RIGHT??  I know you’re shaking your heads and screaming at the computer “OMG this is so true, I do this!!”  The worst is when they respond and say “oh yeah tell me about it?” Then you have to think of something that doesn’t sound too stupid.. but also is kind of out there, because hey.. it’s a dream.  

There you are.  You’ve sent the text.  You’re confident.  This could only get better from here.  You sit there anxiously awaiting what they will respond with because you haven’t talked in months for god sakes!  Finally your text message alert goes off.  You open it and it reads:  “Who is this?”  Fail.  



YES, I know I have a sunburn.

It is no surprise that I am often referred to as a lobster in the summer months of the year.  I don’t really even know why lobster is the crustacean of choice, but I guess it beats being called a crab—which is ironic because when I am sunburnt I am every ounce of crabby.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when a stranger feels the need point out to me, as if I don’t already know, how red my skin is.  A guy on the beach said “Wow do you know you are really red?”  No shit, Captain Obvious and you have a receding hairline. 

Here are my other least favorite comments:

"OOooOo!!  That looks like it hurts"—yeah, I’ll live.

"Did you put on any sunscreen?"—obviously not. I always hope that this will be the one time I don’t burn and get an actual tan.

"You look like a lobster"—I’d rather look like a lobster than a big fat hairy ape like you sir.  Shave your back!

I mean seriously, do I go up to people and tell them they need to wax the sweaters off their backs or their bikini lines?  NO!  I DON’T! Because I don’t like to make people feel more embarrassed than they already are—or in their case, should be.  Don’t ask me stupid questions about how burnt I am because YES I KNOW I HAVE FAIR SKIN.



50 Shades of Grey? More like 50 Shades of Red.

How could you not be 50 Shades of Red while reading this book?  I felt like I had to read this book in a dark cave with a tiny night light on so no one would find me reading it.  Every turn of a page I’d be a different shade of red because oh-no EL James did not just type that!!!!


Of course I was curious about the book, it was all over E! News.  Reporters were saying they thought Ryan Gosling would be perfect for the role of Christian Grey.  I’ll do anything for Ryan Gosling and that includes reading.

I finished the 1st book quickly.  It’s pretty easy to do when literally every page is a sex scene.  Gets pretty boring after the first few sessions… come on, can I get a chase scene?  Give me a twist or SOMETHING.  I think the book could’ve been a lot better if Jodi wrote it.  Right, Sarah? 

Lucky for me, the next 2 books of the trilogy were only available as ebooks, so at least I could hide the fact that I was reading a book about a girl who keeps saying “and then he  was cupping my sex” .. yourrrr what?  And kinky fuckery?  I’ve never even heard that term before.  I can’t even take this seriously.

I thought reading the next 2 books on my iPad would help my 50 Shades of red because no one would be able to know the book I was reading.  A male co-worker, who is much higher on the totem pole than me, saw me reading at lunch one day.  He asked me what book I was reading.  I thought “he’s a guy, if I say the title he won’t know about the book.”  He asked, I told.  Then he asked what it’s about.  damnit.  I’d call this shade Fire Engine Red.  

In the end, I’m glad I read the books, but honestly should’ve just waited for the movie.  Although, do I want to be at a movie theater filled with hundreds of horny 20-50 year old women..? well, now I take that back.  My best friend’s grandmother just borrowed her copy of 50 Shades of Grey, so.. apparently its a book for all ages.  



What do my texts REALLY mean?

I’ve been meaning to update for a while and after talking to a friend this week about texting, I remembered something that I find so hilarious, yet I know I do it too.  Women over analyze texts, status updates, IM’s and emails.  To us, the way we text/write a sentence has a very clear meaning to us.. but a man would never understand what we really mean.  I’ve come up with a few examples:

Usually if I put a period at the end of a one word sentence, I am usually pissed off.  For instance, there is a HUGE different between: Ok and Ok.

The Ok without punctuation means that I am agreeing with whatever you’ve said.  The Ok. (with a period) means you have really pissed me off and I expect you to know that I am mad at you.  Additionally, I will become even more angry if you continue the conversation not realizing how mad I am.  In my own personal case, if I spell ok in all lower case letters with a period, that means I am steaming mad: “ok.” Isn’t it funny that by having all lower case letters, you are somehow supposed to figure out that I am super mad at you?

Sending a blank text to you is just a way to get my name to show up on your phone.  I will ALWAYS use the excuse “oh, I meant to text someone else.  sorry”  There was no one else.  That text was meant for you and you only.

One word answers are never a good thing.  Example: nothing, bye, yes, no, ok., hey.  If any of these words are prefaced with “Uhh.. or Umm..” chances are we are annoyed or mad.  If we are going out of our way to write stupid words like uh or um.. then we are trying to get a point across.  If we are in a good mood giving one word answers, we would say:  Not much, what about you?, yeah!, Nope, okay, hi there.  

Quotes on our facebook status ALWAYS mean something.  Even when we say it means nothing.. it does and most likely it is about you.

When you ask us who we are hanging out with and we respond with “a friend” it usually means its another guy and we don’t want you to know who it is but we DO want you to know that it is another guy.  If we’re hanging out with a girlfriend, we would write: my friend, *insert name*. 

If you engage in a texting conversation keeping a pretty good pace of 2-3 minutes between each text and then suddenly don’t text back for an hour.. that can really do some damage.

Women can never use enough smilies.. but if a guy uses them too often we typically lose interest because you probably aren’t into girls anyway.  We also over analyze if we should put a smiley at the end of a sentence and sometimes don’t realize that it probably doesn’t matter to you anyway.  To smiley or not to smiley?.. that is the question.  It gets pretty stressful.

!!!! = a good thing

Duplicate punctuation.  There is a different between: alright and alright… Same goes for ok and ok…  I would say that if there is more than 1 period at the end, it doesn’t necessarily mean that we are mad like it says above, but probably means that we acknowledge what you’re saying, but we are disappointed or upset by it.  For instance if you text me and say that you really can’t make it to my grandmothers 80th birthday, I will probably respond with “alright…” Please know that this means I’m upset and you should change your mind.

We use facebook status’s because we know you will read them and take them literally.  It’s funny how the facebook status turned into the biggest mind game ever.

The power of Cc:

I never knew how powerful the two tiny letters ‘Cc’ were until those two tiny letters violated me.

Typically, the main use of the Carbon copy (Cc) feature on Microsoft Outlook is to send a copy of the email to whomever needs the information.  

Now, tell me when did the use of Cc turn into a way of getting someone in trouble with their superior? 

Have you ever had an instance where someone sends you an email that is really important to them, but rates at a 3 on your scale of 1-10?  It’s not really your top priority to RSVP to the Hawaiian themed office party right away.  Your entire staff is required to go to the event, but you’re still kind of bitter because they didn’t like your suggested theme, Jersey Shore.  Weeks will go by and by then you’ve forgotten about the precious email that was sent and you focus on more important things like who is winning Employee Biggest Loser contest or how many times can you prank call your co-workers.

The party coordinator emails you again:

From: Kathy Swanson
To:  Kiley
Sent: Tuesday, February 1, 2011 7:35 AM
Subject: Aloha

 ”Aloha!!!!!!!!!(there’s always tons of !’s) Just wanted to remind you to RSVP to the party.  Hang ten!”

Ugh.  Her again.  There were too many exclamation points in that email so now out of pure spite you just don’t respond to the email.  Another week goes by and you have legitimate work to do like budget revisions, sales and marketing meetings and a huge conference call that is likely to take up most of your Thursday.  Another email pops up:

From: Kathy Swanson

To: Kiley
Sent: Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:50 AM
Subject: Re: Aloha

Hey girlfriend!  Are you coming to the Luau?  Let me know soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeez, this better be one crazy party with all the email work that is going into it.  And by the way?  I’m not your ‘girlfriend’.  Next email:

From: Kathy Swanson

To: Kiley
Cc:  Dr. Richard Johnson
Sent: Tuesday, February 15, 2011 8:15 AM
Subject: Re: Aloha

Dear Kiley,

It has come to my attention that you have not submitted your RSVP for the 15th Annual Office Party.  Please reply to all immediately so that the appropriate preparations can take place. 


Kathy M. Swanson 

WHAT THE HELL?  You Cc’d my boss on this stupid Jersey Shore-less office party?  I was totally taken advantage of by Carbon copy!  Even though I’m fuming at this point, it was very well played and I’m probably more pissed off because I didn’t think of using Cc in that nature first. 

Now I have to respond.. but I’m not going to let her get the satisfaction of my RSVP.  I respond:
From: Kiley

To:  Kathy Swanson
Cc:  Dr. Richard Johnson
Bcc:  Kathy Swanson’s Mom
Sent: Tuesday, February 15, 2011 9:37 AM
Subject: Re: Aloha

Dear Kathy,

Please forgive me for not responding quickly.  I will be at the party.  I hope that the party doesn’t turn out like last Saturday night when I passed by Cadillac Ranch and much to my surprise saw you riding the mechanical bull with your top off.  Will you be wearing the same ensemble at the Luau too?  I hope not because it’s not a very good representation of our company and definitely not something your mother would approve of.  See you at the party.

Hang ten, Girlfriend.


I totally Cc’d and Bcc’d her.  She didn’t even see that one coming.

I should also add that this is just an embellished story.  This is in no way related to my current job, nor are any of the names used (besides mine) real people.  This blog is just for your entertainment.

Stupid things I see at the gym

1.  I’ve asked this before and I’ll ask again:  Have you ever been to Target and seen denim jeans in the “active wear” area of the apparell section?  Then why are you wearing jeans to the gym?

2.  A large lady in my spin class wears a short khaki skirt every week.  I’m always at a bike behind her because I fear whatever my instructor sees. 

3.  I have seen a body builder type woman wearing her black heels while lifting weights with all the meat head guys.  I know this sounds like a lie, but its not.

4.  I can only assume a woman in my aerobics class is from a religious background that requires her to keep all of her body covered up.  She wears long black jeans and a long black top that looks like a choir robe.  She’s awful too.. so she draws a lot of attention to herself. 

5.  Anyone who is texting or on a phone call during their work out is stupid to me.  Unless it’s blue tooth, then I can get on board with that—and don’t even tell me it’s a work call!  No one at work wants to hear your heavy breathing and grunts.

6.  I LOVE observing the body blast class sometimes.. especially when it’s filled with middle-aged men and today’s agenda includes ‘air hip thrusts’.  I am fairly sure it’s supposed to help your butt muscles, but jesus it looks like a one person sexcapade.  It’s ridiculous to see how awkward they all are. 

7.  Last week there was a woman with a gas station size bag of cheetoes walking around the track.  Somehow, I don’t see how this is going to work lady.

8.  I really really hate the ab workout class.  Yeah, it’s a good work out… but honestly it is hard to control your bodily functions when you’re ab crunching the whole time.  I’ve fell a victim to this too once or twice, but I swear it’s like everyone in the class eats a giant tray of bean burritos from Taco Bell and then comes to class.  It really f-ing stinks. 

9.  Oh, the stupid 12 year old that runs the track barefoot.  It grosses me out to think about it.  I know my foot isn’t going to get the germs from his nasty tracks because I’m the sanitary one with my shoes on.. heaven forbid.  He is a dark skinned boy and I have no excuse except to nickname him Mowgli.  I asked him once where I could look for the bare necessities, but he didn’t seem to get it. 

10.  The man who runs the track with his arms directly at his sides.  I know this is hard to visualize but I encourage you to try it.  It’s really hard.

I wish for the impossible

I wish I had a secret power where I was able to transport myself in seconds to my next destination
I wish there was a legal pill I could take that would give me the equivelant of 8 hours of sleep in a matter of 10 minutes.
I wish that it would be impossible for the weather to rise above 80 degrees or below 40 degrees.
I wish that I could eat pasta every day for the rest of my life and not gain a pound.
I wish I could see into the future for the next 10 years, just to make sure I’m happily married.
I wish I would be OCD about working out daily.
I wish that the human race didn’t have the ability to feel jealousy. 
I wish I would somehow get the motivation to do more decorating in my home. 
I wish I could have a house full of puppies who didn’t smell, drool, poop, pee or chew up anything in the house.